By Trevor Antley.
At Brigham Young University, there is a vigilant but little appreciated group of awkward-acting men known as the Volunteer Modesty Militia. These good Samaritans do what the BYU Honor Code Office is too afraid to do: they protect all of us by calling out immodest young women who dare to dress attractively, and who have the nerve to do it on the campus dedicated to our beloved Brigham Young, who as we all know is the model for everything the Honor Code stands for (minus, of course, that whole beard thing).
And now I’m here to report the latest actions of the Volunteer Modesty Militia and their comrades: a good Samaritan pwns a BYU girl for endangering all of our spiritual safety with her skanky outfit.
On Valentine’s day night, attractive accounting major Brittany Molina was diligently studying in the Tanner building. Brittany was studying in a cubicle. You know, one of those cubicles shaped like a cube. The kind that keeps people from easily seeing you. But even cubicles can’t stop the Volunteer Modesty Militia. As she was studying, Brittany gets a tap on her shoulder and an awkward guy hands her a note. Considering that it’s Valentine’s day, Brittany is actually really flattered by this. She smiles and he walks away. Below is a photo of the cute Valentine’s note that Brittany received
That’s right. Brittany’s scandalous outfit, hidden behind a Tanner-building cubicle, made this devout Honor Code enforcer feel morally unsafe. Now, I know what you’re thinking: what erotic clothing could Brittany have provocatively tossed on that day? Mini-skirt? Sports bra? Bikini?
Below is a photo of Brittany’s outfit that day.
After seeing the above photo of scantily-clad Brittany, the Valentines note she received is completely understandable. And plus, it was Valentine’s Day. And that just makes it cute!
Now, I know what you might be thinking. Considering Brittany’s outfit (or any possible outfit, really), the note’s morbid self-righteousness and complete lack of tact was uncalled for. You might also be thinking that if this weird, creepy guy finds the sight of a girl’s knees so completely distracting that he has to censure her for it, he might be the one with the issue.
But that’s because you just don’t get it: Look, it doesn’t matter that personal modesty is a completely social and cultural construct, or that 19th century Brigham Young would have been shocked that we have women wearing pants and short-sleeve shirts wandering around his university. And much less temple-attending Saints wearing two-piece temple undergarments that don’t extend past the elbows (which Brother Brigham would never have allowed).
Look, Brittany got pwned by this good Samaritan, and thank goodness she did. I never would have been able to study with her sitting in a cubicle near me. And, if I’m being completely honest, I also believe that we should just ban pretty girls in general from even enrolling at BYU, or we should at least ban them from studying in public. It’s just too distracting for the rest of us. How am I supposed to get anything done with the Brittany Molina’s of the world sitting near me? Honestly, are we really going to let girls like this corrupt the morals of our university? Will we let Brittany Molina and girls like her continue to endanger all of our spiritual safety?
You’re damn right we won’t.
Because of this, I publicly declare my allegiance to the Volunteer Modesty Militia and the fight against the moral injustice of allowing girls at our university to dress attractively. Let us all give a hearty thanks to the vigilant weirdos at the Volunteer Modesty Militia for keeping our libraries and study cubicles clean, pure, and morally safe.