Advice: The Friend Zone

The reader should be warned that the content of this article is going to be very blunt, and the guilty taketh the truth to be hard. With that in mind, let us begin.

To understand the friend zone, a person must first understand it in the most basic of terms. And this is it: the friend zone does not actually exist. That’s right. It is merely a construct created by cruel women (to whom the concept is unique to) to justify torturing young men. The friend zone is like the offspring of a Dementor and black hole, tearing at the very fabric of happiness itself. Most girls have adapted large, encompassing friend zones that allow them to pick and choose who they are interested in without feeling like they are rejecting their suitors because they are, after all, “just friends.”

But ultimately the history of the friend zone is irrelevant because, whether it is real or invented, guys have to deal with it. Therefore the majority of this lecture will be most applicable to them. Of course every person with male reproductive features reading this is currently wondering, “How do I not get caught in the friend zone?”

Here’s your advice: don’t be their friend. Never be their friend. Don’t kind of be their friend. Don’t think about kind of being their friend. Don’t ever be their friend.

That may sound harsh. That’s because it is. Some people want the person they marry to be their best friend. That is a delusion at worst and a misuse of semantics at best: every female on the planet will separately group the people they associate with into friends and romantic interests (of course there are other groups as well, but let’s keep this on-topic). Occasionally you can be their friend before dating them. Occasionally. Actually, that should read rarely. But yes, there is a tiny, tiny, tiny chance. But can you really afford to take that chance?

Of course you can’t.

In order to avoid that dark abysmal path, you must never be their friend. If you are going to go after them, you must make your intentions clear from the beginning. In this instance subtlety is not your ally. The process will speed along and you won’t waste nine months trying to woo a girl who will end up rejecting you anyway. By not trying to be their friend, you can go through a dozen girls in the same time that you would have previously gone through one.

Remember, don’t be their friend. Friendship will bring you pain and heartache. Remember that and cherish it.

A version of this was originally written sometime in 2009 or 2010.

Probably 2009 since that’s when I hated women the most.

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