BREAKING: Mermaids are Not Real, U.S. Government Declares

Last week the National Ocean Service, which is a subdivision of the U.S. Commerce Department, declared the following on its website:

“Mermaids — those half-human, half-fish sirens of the sea — are legendary sea creatures chronicled in maritime cultures since time immemorial. … No evidence of aquatic humanoids has ever been found. Why, then, do they occupy the collective unconscious of nearly all seafaring peoples? That’s a question best left to historians, philosophers, and anthropologists.”

The new post about mermaids is filed on the website under “Ocean Facts.” No one is really sure why the National Ocean Service suddenly felt the need to inform the American populace the mermaids are indeed fictional, but it could be due to a recent Discovery Channel show that argued for the existence of mermaids and which left many people wondering whether aquatic humanoids could in fact exist. Reportedly the National Ocean Service received a number of inquiries about the evidence for mermaids’ existence after the show aired.

Or the sudden pronouncement could be due to the more obvious fact that the National Ocean Service has indeed confirmed the existence of mermaids and are now beginning an extensive and elaborate covert government cover-up.