Advice: Women are like Deer

By Trevor Antley.

Women are like deer. Not like dainty, bambi-ish deer eating grass in a meadow with their Disney best friends, but like scared, paranoid, ready-to-hoof-your-eyes-out deer waiting for a hunter to shoot them in their deer faces.

Allow me to explain.

If you run up to a girl screaming and flailing your arms, the girl — like a paranoid deer — will run away. But if you set up a deer-feeder and slowly inch towards her while she munches on crunchy bunches of corn, you can easily lasso her and drag her home to meet the family.

(Because deer are often caught with lassos.)

But you get it. For all that deer knows, you and it could be best of lovers if it gave you a chance. But if you spook it by being an idiot, the deer will never give you a chance. Because deer can be cold.

Lesson of this post: Don’t spook a deer. Flatter it with bits of corn and wrattle some dead-deer antlers, and then ride it home to meet your mom.

Advice: Finding Love during a Zombie Apocalypse

In the event of a zombie apocalypse, you can throw most of the rules about dating and courtship out the window. But fortunately there are still some clear do’s and do-not’s, and below are some useful tips that may help your romantic life survive the growing hordes of undead that want to munch on your flesh.

Don’t fall in love with a zombie. There are a number of reasons not to fall in love with a zombie, the most obvious of which is that they only want you for your brains. (Which is ironic, because in real-life this is the opposite.) Some have suggested that this can be solved by strapping a simple muzzle over your zombie companion’s face — which may work, but we take no official position — but there are other, less obvious problems with dating a zombie. Most zombies produce a putrid odor due to a combination of rotting wounds, bad hygiene, and their occasional consumption of human flesh, and some apocalypse survivors may find that this smell can be hard to coop with. Zombies are also typically not very good conversationalists, although admittedly they can be good listeners.

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Advice: How to be a Douchebag

Summer is douchebag season, and it’s a fact of life that chicks dig douchebags. The reasons why don’t matter. What does matter is that, if you want chicks to dig you, then you need to start acting like a douchebag too. Below are some helpful tips to get you started.

1. Shirts. Ranked gay to douchebag, upper-body-wear goes like this: t-shirt > polo > sleeveless-t-shirt > wife-beater > no shirt. To fully embrace your douchebaggery, just stay away from shirts in general.

2. Shell-necklaces. A shell-necklace is a good way to tell the world that you’re still sixteen and shopping at Hollister. Chicks are way into this.

3. Cell-phone. Talk on your cell-phone as loudly as possible in public settings. If you have a bluetooth headset, leave it in your ear no matter where you are. People need to know how important you are.

4. Sunglasses. Obviously your eyes are sensitive and need to be protected at all times, especially in-doors and at night.

5. Rolled-up jeans. The last thing you need is for the bottoms of your blue jeans to get dirty. Roll those suckers up and let the world know you care that your clothes are clean.

6. UFC. Your new favorite sport.

7. Dog-tags. Girls dig guys who wear cheap metal dog-tags that they bought at Spencer’s Gifts. This serves as a good accessory to the popular wife-beater and shirtless styles mentioned above.

8. Boxers. The population needs to know that your pants simply can’t contain all of your underwear. Let your boxers hang out as much as possible, preferably bunched up.

9. Tattoos. Chinese symbols for things like “eternity” and “discipline,” barbed wire around your upper arm, or virtually anything behind your head at the base of your neck. The possibilities are endless.

10. Guitar. Everyone really wants to hear you playing your acoustic guitar. Seriously. It’s a unique talent that people rarely get to see.

11. Hair-gel. As much as possible. Really. Buying enough hair-gel should eventually become a serious budget concern.

12. Ties. Girls are way into guys who wear ties with t-shirts (or with no shirt at all), but obviously not with button-up or collared shirts.

13. Shoes. You now wear flip-flops, sandals, and flip-flops. An alternative is going barefoot. Or wearing flip-flops. Also, flip-flops with jeans.

14. Hat. You need a hat. If your eyes aren’t getting enough protection from the sunglasses, then the un-curved titled brim of a hat will help.

15. Pink clothes. There’s no better way to let everyone know that you’re comfortable with your masculinity. And you really, really need people to know that you’re comfortable with your masculinity.

16. Tanning bed. Some people think that tanning beds are only appropriate for girls, but you know better. Gotta get your bronze on.

17. Bracelets. Made of hemp.

18. Bros. That douchebag crew you now hang out with aren’t your friends, your buddies, or your pals. They’re just your bros, dawg.

19. Car music. Blast those speakers as loud as they’ll go. This doesn’t annoy people; it only makes them think that you’re really, really cool.

20. Dane Cook. Your hero.

21. Crosses. Crosses are a cool accessory, especially if you haven’t been to church since you were eight.

22. Shirtless pics. Your Facebook needs to have pictures of you posing with your shirt off. Preferably taken by yourself in front of a mirror.

23. MySpace. Resurrect your MySpace account so you can pick up honnies and keep up wit ur bros.

24. Headband. Wearing a headband is always cool, especially when you’re not anticipating sweating.

25. Bumper-stickers. You need some sick bumper-stickers for your truck that have cool, catchy lines like, “Tell your girlfriend I said thanks,” or “Tell your mom I said thanks,” or…

26. Community-college. Going to community-college isn’t douche-baggish in itself, so you need to be really vocal about how your community college is so much better than the prickish accredited university down the street.

27. Holla. This word needs to be part of your regular vocabulary.

28. Rap music. Even though you don’t hang out with black people, it’s really important that you listen to rap music to let everyone know how hardcore you are.

29. Facebook likes. The Facebook pages you’ve liked should include those of hot actresses and models. You should spend significant time liking and commenting on each of their pictures.

30. Body spray. Preferably Axe or Tag.

31. Energy drinks. Because obviously douchebaggery requires a lot of energy.

32. MTV. If your favorite show doesn’t include Jersey Shore, then you’re doing it wrong.

33. Handshake-hug. Yep.